Co-parenting with A Narcissistic Ex
Coparenting with a narcissistic ex is not only difficult, but it can be draining and damaging to your child.
To be successful, you’ll need to enforce boundaries, focus on the children and document everything.
Remember that your ex will do anything to make you seem emotionally unstable.
Do Not Attempt to Co-parent
I know this negates the title of the blog but a narcissist will not co-parent. Narcissists typically may have short spurts where they seem like they are co-parenting, but you’ll realize its only when they have full decision-making control. Narcissists counter parent when they feel like they are losing control.
Instead of co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, you’ll want to implement one of the methods below:
- Parallel Parenting – If possible, minimize contact with your ex. During pick ups and drop offs, avoid trying to make small talk or even speaking relevant information. If your ex needs relevant information like medication dosage or a feeding schedule, send it to him via email, text, a coparenting app or write it out in a note and hand it to them. Do not try to push your schedule or gripes with the way your ex parents. As long as the children come back unharmed, fed and generally happy, allow the two households to parent differently.
- Gray Rock Method – Coparenting with a narcissistic ex is stressful because they are usually trying to provoke you to get out of character. Your ex does this to try to prove that you are the one that is unstable or emotional. Ignore any attempts that your narcissistic ex uses to make you angry or reactive. Try to be emotionless and uninterested, like a gray rock. You’ll still want to answer their questions but be factual, brief and concise.
Focus On The Children
Since coparenting with a narcissistic ex is impossible, you’ll want to be sure to focus on the children. All conversations with your ex should be about the children. The second that you allow for a conversation that is outside of the children, your ex will use it manipulate you.
Your ex might attempt to take jabs at your parenting style but if it’s not immediately affecting the children, the try to revert the conversations back to the present or end the conversation.
Document Everything
Try to remember to document everything in case you need to go to court to get a custody order or want to modify one. Documenting your narcissistic ex’s behavior will help the courts see the patterns and abuse you and your children are being subjected to.
You’ll want to be sure to document as much as possible but here’s a short list of things you’ll definitely want to record:
- The times they were late to pick up or dropped the children off early
- Any time they skipped their week to see the children
- Any time they ignored information you tried to give them regarding the children
- Take screenshots of any verbal abuse
- If you have older kids, any communication where your ex is bashing you directly to them
If you are an iPhone user, you can now record conversations and it will let the other party know they are being recorded. It might be good to get into the habit of recording calls if your ex refuses to communicate through your preferred method of communication.
Set Boundaries And Stick To Them
Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex is nearly impossible because they hate boundaries. The narcissist likely spent years being able to do or say whatever they wanted to you so they will not respect your boundaries unless you stick to them.
Setting boundaries will eventually show the narcissist that there is a new sheriff in town. It also helps prevent avenues for emotional manipulation.
Avoid Saying Anything That Can Be Used Against You In Court
Avoid saying or doing anything that can be used negatively against you in court. Narcissist will push every button to get you to crash out. Don’t say anything that you wouldn’t want a judge to read.
Coparenting with a narcissistic ex can be stressful and may make you want to give him control just so the mind games will stop but you are establishing custody, never say that your ex can have the children full-time if you don’t actually feel that way.
Follow Court Orders
Even if your ex doesn’t follow the court order, you should follow it. If you are supposed to meet at a certain place and time then be sure to show up and document every time he doesn’t. If you feel like the court order isn’t comprehensive enough, then petition the court for a modification.
Stay Strong
If your ex is abusive, do not try to coparent and get an emergency hearing immediately to protect yourself and your kids.
Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex is impossible, but that doesn’t mean you have to just do what they say. Stay firm in your boundaries, and prepare for the worst.